Defining Yourself

HOW DO YOU DEFINE YOURSELF? WHAT HAPPENS WHEN THE DEFINITION YOU THOUGHT WAS RIGHT CHANGES? DOES FEAR OF THE UNKNOWN INVENT WHO YOU ARE? DOES WHO YOU ARE DEPEND ON WHO YOU ARE AROUND? WHAT DO YOU DEFINE AS THAT WHICH IS YOU? THE UNIQUE YOU. THE HAPPY YOU. THE REAL YOU? CRAZY QUESTIONS THAT POSE A LONGER LINE OF THINKING, LIKE WHO ARE YOU REALLY?

WHEN I WAS A LITTLE GIRL I WANTED TO BE THE FIRST FEMALE THUNDERBIRD PILOT FOR THE AIR FORCE. I SUPPOSE THAT THIS SUPPORTED I SEE MYSELF AS STRONG AND UNIQUE. THAT I WOULD HAVE THE ABILITY TO FIGHT AND DEMAND THAT AS A FEMALE I COULD FLY A FIGHTER JET JUST LIKE A MAN COULD.

IN REALITY, I WAS TOLD THAT WOULD NEVER HAPPEN, THE NAVY CAME A COURTIN, AND I DECIDED THAT MAYBE MILITARY WOULD NOT BE THE WAY I WANTED TO EXPRESS MYSELF. (THOUGH I LIVE WHERE ALL THE NAVY JETS LITERALLY FLY RIGHT OVER MY HOUSE SO CLOSE SOMEDAYS I THINK I SHOULD HAND A CUP OF COFFEE OUT THE WINDOW TO THEM!) BUT MAKE NO MISTAKE, I AM A HARD CORE MILITARY SUPPORTER, AIR FORCE BRAT, SISTER TO AN ARMY SOLDIER WHO SUFFERED FROM IED EXPLOSION IN IRAQ, AND MARRIED TO AN ARMY PARATROOPER WITH SEVERAL COMBAT TOURS.

SO THEN I DECIDED THAT BEING A PEDIATRICIAN WOULD BE THE NEXT BEST WAY TO EXPRESS MYSELF.

WELL GOOD THINGS COME (I BECAME A NURSE), AND GOOD THINGS GO (I DROPPED OUT OF MED SCHOOL BECAUSE I DECIDED I WAS NOT CUT OUT TO BE SLAVE TO A PAGER).

YET. I  STILL DEFINED MYSELF IN THE CARETAKER OR HELPER KIND OF DEFINITION. ANYONE WHO MEETS ME WOULD SAY THAT I DO TRY VERY HARD TO LOVE ALL PEOPLE DESPITE ANY DIFFERENCES IN THEIR DEFINITION OF SELF THAT MAY PUSH MYSELF BUBBLE A BIT OFF COURSE.

I HAVE COME TO REALIZE THAT ANY DEFINITION THAT FITS AT THAT MOMENT IS AN OK DEFINITION OF SELF. MY DEFINITION OF MYSELF IS THAT I AM AN EMERGENCY AND TRAUMA NURSE. I HAVE BEEN SINCE I GRADUATED SCHOOL.

BUT, I ALSO MUST DEFINE MYSELF AS A PATIENT. ONE WHO IS SICK AND FRAIL AND HAS TO GIVE UP THE REIGNS OF CONTROL OVER ME AND BOY DOES THAT PISS ME OFF!!!!!

I WAS TAUGHT DO UNTO OTHERS AS YOU WOULD WANT THEM TO DO TO YOU. I AM A KIND NURSE. I AM PATIENT, AND OBSERVANT. I NOTICE WHEN THE PATIENT OR THEIR FAMILY IS IN DISTRESS OVER WHAT A DOCTOR JUST TOLD THEM. I SIT WITH MOTHERS THAT HAVE JUST LOST THEIR CHILDREN, AND FAMILIES THAT HEAR THEIR LOVED ONE IS GOING TO DIE. AND EVERY MINUTE I AM HONORED TO BE THERE, EVEN WHEN I HAD NOTHING LEFT TO GIVE.

I FIND DEFINING MYSELF AS A PATIENT COMES WITH ITS OWN SET OF DEFINITIONS. I NOW AM THE ONE THAT IS WAITING TO BE SEEN. UNLIKE THE REST OF THE PEOPLE I TRY TO UNDERSTAND PEOPLE AREN’T GOOFING OFF, THEY ARE SAVING SOMEONE’S LIFE AND I SHOULD BE thankful NOT angry THAT I AM HAVING TO WAIT. BUT I DO GET THE ANGER NOW.

AS I USED TO SEE PATIENTS COMING IN NIGHT AFTER NIGHT, I BECAME HARDENED AND LABELED EVERYONE WITH SOCIAL STIGMAS. I DIDN’T MEAN TOO, BUT SLOWLY OVER TIME IT HAPPENED. NOW I FIND MYSELF BEING LABELED AS ONE OF those PATIENTS. OR AS THAT NURSE.

I GUESS WHAT I WANT TO CONVEY FROM THIS POST IS THAT WE ARE ALL HUMAN. WE ALL HAVE OUR CROSSES TO BEAR. MAKING SOMEONE ELSE’S LIFE MISERABLE JUST SO YOU CAN DEFINE YOURSELF AS POWERFUL AND IN CONTROL IS BULLSHIT!

WHEN YOU GET UP IN THE MORNING WHAT DO YOU SEE? I’M SURE THAT YOU HAVE THE SAME IMAGE AS ME. JUST A PERSON TRYING TO MAKE IT DAY TO DAY IN THIS CRAZY TIME AND KEEP SANITY AS A PRIORITY AS WELL. THIS HAPPENS ALL THE TIME. WHEN YOU PUT SOMEONE DOWN TO LIFT YOURSELF UP YOU SHOULD BE VERY AFRAID OF KARMA. SHE’S A BITCH.

I AM PUTTING MYSELF OUT THERE BECAUSE I AM WATCHING THIS HAPPEN TO PEOPLE THAT I LOVE. IT IS HAPPENING TO ME AS A PERSON. NO ONE SAID YOU HAVE TO LIKE OR EVEN LOVE EVERY PERSON YOU MEET, HOWEVER YOU DO NEED TO PRACTICE TOLERANCE AND UNDERSTANDING, BECAUSE ONE DAY IT MAY BE YOU.

STOP THE MADNESS!!!! JUST BE KIND TO ONE ANOTHER. WE ARE ALL HERE FOR SUCH A SHORT TIME AND WE SHOULD BE ALLOWED TO DEFINE OUR SELF AS HAPPY. I KNOW, TALL ORDER RIGHT?!?!?! IF SOMEONE NEEDS YOUR HELP, RATHER THAN BE AN ASS, OR AN I’M BETTER THAN YOU, REACH OUT YOUR HAND AND HELP PULL THEM UP, NOT SHOVE THEM DOWN.

***The inspiration for this post came from a sharing of coffee and troubles. You know who you are, and you know what an amazing person you are!***

~J