Sometimes you have to believe………….

So, I said I would continue on about living life with my new diagnosed brain aneurysm and the “other” things that they have diagnosed, or are in the process of testing for searching for some other pleasant thing that I can add to my rapidly growing list. And I may get around to that, but first I just wanted to talk a bit about believing. We are taught as children to believe in the impossible, the unreal, the theory that you can me tiny but mighty……and then we crush our childrens dreams by finally admitting things like, oh Santa isn’t real (it’s really MY wallet forking all that out and that bastard is getting all the credit), and that there is no tooth fairy or Easter Bunny….(and I’m just saying that when I was little I was digging a quarter or a dollar for my teeth, kids now a days are getting anywhere from one to ten or I have even heard a co-worker talk abou giving $20 for a tooth……ok this is one of two things….parents now a days are just wanting to be show offs and put lots of money that the 5 year old child has no damn use for, or I WANT MY MONEY OWED PLUS INTEREST, BECAUSE I HAVE BEEN RIPPED OFF!!!!  …so tooth fairy, I do accept cash, credit, PayPal, just get to steppin! Time is money and I charge a CRAZY high interest rate….like 500%)…..whew! But again I digress. You will see I do that quite often.

she better

So, of course, like I said in my prior post, when confronted by TONS of bad news at one time……bury your head in the sand like an ostrich….or maybe not so much….


I realized that there were people that had already taught me things…people that had shown me true strength and pure love, and never asked for anything in return. Much like this beautiful ribboned eel, they had without even knowing it shown me true strength, true beauty, and unending grace. To remember that each turn will have another, and another, but that each turn meant I was getting somewhere, even when I felt lost, confused, and spiraling out of control. They willingly and eagerly shared their strength with me, even though they were fighting a battle of their own.

It has taken me a long time to understand the depths to which they have changed my life and didn’t mean to. I have also realized that for a long time I just took that for granted. They would always be there. I was busy thinking I was there supporting them, and yet somehow they were easing my pain.As in all good blogs, I won’t use their last name, and I debated using their names at all, but to tell a story that’s such a fairy tale, relate that to my growth and gratitude, names are in order…lest you will be more confused than I normally make people….

that doesnt make any sense

So, I will try to speed through some of this tale, as my posts are long and I know that gets tiring to read. My friend Anne-Marie (for all further references to her, she will be AMVM, because that’s so much easier for me to type, and well I absolutely love the significance of it.) When I first moved to where I live now, this was not a move because all my family was up here, or I was on the lam from the cops….(although……anyway where was I?) Oh yes,moving. I came to this area to work in a specific hospital for a specific reason, and so that meant moving up here with no resources or back up. Now, I will admit, that was one of the scariest things that I have done because you never know how it will turn out. Or did I just move the beautiful kiddos to somewhere terrible and now we would be stuck. I had previously worked in an area that is relatively small, but is known for its football team. I would never have guessed coming to this HUGE place that I live in now I would ever find anyone who knew where I had come from. Well surprise, surprise! I didn’t only meet one, I met two. And we all had worked there all around the same time, missing meeting each other there by months, days, or hell maybe even hours. But fate made up for it when it put us in the same place at the same time, this time.

Let me tell you, there has never been a bigger, more beautiful, intelligent, creative, loving, or honest person than my AMVM…..(o.k so this will be the spoiler because looking at that again I have to say sorry L, I know she REALLY is yours, but since its my blog and my story, I will call her mine…so there! ****although I already know that she doesn’t mind because she is mine by proxy!****) She is incredibly funny and I think the first person I actually ever heard use the words “Hey, I just love lifting heavy shit!” (Yes, she does a little cross fit, pick up my car and bench press it while balancing on the balance beam, sipping on Gin and Juice….hehe!)


Yeah, that’s my bad ass friend who likes lifting heavy stuff so much she has become a coach and a trainer (and hell no I don’t go with her…..lifting my 24 oz. Dr. Pepper is enough for me.) I mean Starbucks is as far as I go in the whole coffee fit thing. I’m cross fitting from Starbucks to Dr. Pepper now….you can feel free to talk to me after I’m done with THAT workout! Whew! I mean some of us DO work harder than others in their seriousness of our training…..just saying……


And yes they were totally all mine! Ha ha! She’s a firefighter and a medic and communication specialist, that moonlights as a tech, all while teaching Yoga, coaching and training as well as competing in cross fit….she’ll never beat me in the Starbucks and Dr. Pepper events though! Man, I’m tired looking at that list…..and did I forget to mention she’s a new mommy of a beautiful special needs baby and helps her wife as needed teaching classes in the yoga studio? Totally, she is Wonder Woman!


So, now the fairy tale….Anne-Marie and I talked at work, but nothing like we do now. I knew she had left a bad relationship behind her and just happened to have one if those lock eyes across the cross fit gym and I know I’m in love moments that we all wish we had as a romantic tale to tell, and I knew she was so crazy in love that she and Lisa decided to get married (and this was still in the same sex marriage ban, otherwise known as the way too much in someone else’s life and you need to find your way back to your own life ban.)

need jesus

I was invited to the wedding, however so many people wanted to attend that since I was the newer kid on the block, I offered to work so that someone she had known longer could attend the wedding. Of course I was about mauled by dozens of RN’s wanting me to swap … Yes I’m a good friend like that to almost be killed by maurading Emergency Nurses wanting to see these two beautiful souls get married.


That could just possibly be my favorite picture of a real true love moment captured on film.  There wedding looked like wonderland with candles and smiles that made me wanna throat punch the girl I swapped with haha. I can tell you to be in the presence of true love is a humbling experience. Never have I seen two people show more depth and compassion, as well as humility and grace. These two crazy chicks are an example to all people, not just me, that love has no color, it’s blind to physical body composure. Love is driving from the studio to the ER Ambulance bay to get food and a quick kiss.

Love is definitely blind to every thing except forming one hell of a partnership and wanting to help your other half accomplish all their hopes and dreams. It’s about being there when the other half of your heart and seeing pain and heartbreak, frustration and hopelessness, and still opening every wall you have erected to keep you safe in exchange for the piece where openness, calm, tranquility, and understanding have time to flourish and bloom. (Wow, AMVM did I get sappy there or whagt? Taco Bell time ha ha) And yet as always I digress….

From the first time I met this lovely human something clicked and I know we were destined to be friends. She’s a riot to be around! I have never really got into the part of sub-cultures where they believe that all people when they die are reborn to give life another try. In that culture, people believe that the old souls find each other and will be around but each other until whatever they are supposed to have fulfilled in life has been fulfilled. Strange as that is, that’s kind of how I feel about AMVM, right from the start I as at ease and comfortable with her, like a cool breeze on a warm day, soothing, and it felt like she had been in my life forever. (And besides, who else can you run around and share that your friends spouse has a great butt and not get knocked out for looking, but have an instant agreement and a whole conversation about it. ****hehe sorry Lisa… least I didn’t share how her and I made plans for everytime you drove up to bring food, I would run to another window to watch and then her and I would compare notes**** ooohhhh wait…..did I just say that?!?!?! Oh well at least now it is public, all that yoga and cross fitting something made your butt look great! And now the world knows too…. I mean you always see face pictures…..why don’t you ever see great behind shots….YOU TOO CAN HAVE THIS BUTT FOR $29.99 WITH GUARANTEED RESULTS! NO MONEY BACK POLICY PEOPLE, IF YOU BUY IT, YOU OWN IT! ) AND NOW…..back to our regularly scheduled program already in progress!)



So, these two amazing people that stood up to the retarded gay marriage ban, and went their own path. They were married in an amazing outdoor beautiful wedding ceremony that was attended by family and friends. But you know what they say about first comes marriage……………

Well, the baby carriage was the tough one. Without going into detail (because if you really want to see how beautifully raw and honest these two were you can always check their blog out as well,) I watched my friend suffer. I saw sadness and raw pain. From her? Really?During this time, I had a car accident and injured my shoulder. Everytime I watched her come in or through the Emergency Room, she was smiling, and silly, and always either grabbing  me to walk with her to get coffee or bringing it to me. She was so much more concerned for me than for her AND she had a shoulder surgery during this time too. (I would think she was my twin as many things as we do the same and the way we approach and treat life.) The amount of time and love that went into trying to have a baby was crazy awesome. She called me and said I do pediatrics, the needles are little, you do both. Can you come give my wife a shot in her ass for me? I don’t know what size and this thing looks HUGE to me. I said are you really asking me to because I will but you better see how Lisa feels about me seeing her ass!



Yes, well I ‘m sure you wanna know how that turned out…well so did I so I asked and AMVM had been able to finally give her the shot. (Just for the record the above jerk and stab video……I’m all for it! Come see me some time haha)

I watched them try and try and try some more. I heard about all the things Lisa went through to have a baby, including a surgery before a baby to have a baby. They never complained. AMVM always had a smile. Each time I was there waiting for the update. They would go to the OB clinic and each time AMVM would come find me if I was working, or text me if I was off. Each time that the test was negative I watched a little more of AMVM spirit fading. I even started joking that the milkshake was spun too much so the little guys didn’t know where to go.


They were getting to the bottom of their reserve strength. I hurt so bad for my friend, because she was always asking me how I was and really what I wanted to do was just be there for her. She also is a giver not a receiver and so in some aspects that allowed me a space to believe. There was a collection on Go Fund Me and let me tell you, the village threw out their hearts to my friends. In the first hour alone I think they were over a thousand dollars in gifts and love, and that just kept growing. They had said one more time then if it was negative this time that was it. So, poor Lisa was under the microscope by her entire village as we patiently waited for her results….

That definitely was me. I think I even still have the green coat! Ha!

When they finally found out you could hear the collective sigh of the entire village! This time, SHE WAS PREGNANT!!!! My faith again restored because if any two humans needed or deserved a baby, that would be them. Their child would be the most well loved and well rounded kiddo. Everyone was excited, but remained with the cautious optimism so that if things went south, there would be a village to help her. As time went on all seemed to be ok. Now, I however, had been in a car accident and injured my shoulder. I could not get people to operate right then do to medical things, however thought she now had “mission get ready to be a mommy,” I didn’t want to ask for help from them. They were so awesome about checking on me, and I was almost ashamed as they had this wonderful gift they had been dying for, and I’m in whiny mode because I’m in pain and working and no one could fix it, and I was so grumpy and salty, and she was so filled with joy, I was trying to fake everything was ok so that we could focus on her, and because we are alike she called me out on it. She offered to drive, bring food , whatever I needed and though I was grateful for the offer, I knew her plate was full and so I refused to let her carry any of my burden.

Moving forward in time, I had signed up to go listen to a speaking session which was being held in the hospitals auditorium JUST because my friend AMVM was one of the speakers. She had came and asked if I was going, which I already was, but she asked me to sit where she could see me if she got nervous and I could help be her strength. Damn right I sat in the front row, right in front of her. She was an AMAZING speaker! She did great, so calm and poised, like she didn’t need me there at all. Afterwards she asked if we could walk to get coffee, but I saw her face, I knew something bad was happening…..I mean it was only an hour so I didn’t think her hemorrhoid’s would cause her so much pain she needed me to help her walk it off….but you never know, it’s a crazy ass world out there.


As we walked she told me that they had found out the baby was going to have Down’s Syndrome as well as a multiple other medical problems and they were struggling with it. This baby they worked so hard for and they were struggling. I watched as one was weak the other was strong. I learned that being open about what was happening was like watching the pressure valve release for their emotions. They were raw, they were brutally honest, and most of all they were of love. This is an amazing thing to watch and grow from if you have never had that experience. The struggle, the emotions, the raw and real pain, and also grace and humility and strength. That is the biggest thing I learned from her, strength and resiliency. That my friends, is a gift.


How grounding is the gift of life? How beautiful is it to know the struggle and pain, and the blessing all in one big package. You see, my friend taught me that there’s always a way through. My friend has given me strength when I had no clue how to tackle my journey. These two people are a God send, and if you are lucky enough, you just might get to call them friends too. That’s not a word I use often, but that is what these two are. My friends. They are symbols of strength and perseverance for me. They are there to say it’s ok when my cup is empty. These two have taught me grace and beauty. Friends like this don’t come along often.

I’m proud to say my friend just graduated from fire academy and moving closer to her dreams. I’m proud to say that Lisa was the most beautiful and patient pregnant person I’ve ever known, and through her commitment to see it through, and the thought they put into this baby…..I know that more than anything life is a precious thing.

That my friend is your rose for graduating, for sticking it out when times got tough, and for having the sense to snag Lisa and marry her! And the biggest thanks is for this gift, this is a gift she shares with me everyday because that’s how a kick ass friend rolls. Friend, twin, whatever, I love you my friends! The world just needed to see you, because you two make it a better place to be.

Thanks for teaching me about how to walk this journey with grace and hope. Thanks for always being there. And a BIG thanks for this:

You guys are my heroes! It’s just not often you meet people like these, and that’s so sad. I chose to share my joy and lessons and part of my journey because THIS is what it is all about, knowing it’s gonna be tough, but still buckling down and getting it done. This is how life’s journey is supposed to be…….beautiful and innocent, and a whole big adventure where we leave pieces of our selves, our foot print in the lives we cross.

I just can’t leave a post sappy with love (though I love to be sappy when it comes to them, I just don’t tell them……..I’m not an emotional weakling **cough cough **….so I will leave you with one very important final thought:

~ J




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3 thoughts on “Sometimes you have to believe………….

  1. You’re an amazingly beautiful soul that I too am privaleged to call my friend. Hell, at this point I think it’s safe to call you family.


  2. This is Lisa. Tears are streaming down my face. Literally. I love that Amvm is so loved by you. We are both here for you for whatever you need whenever you need. Namaste, my friend. My soul sees you.

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